KISII IN MINNESOTA - The untold stories. Part 1

There are more Abagusii in US than they are in Kisii town itself. Just like Boston is for Kikuyu so is Minnesota for Kisii.

 The Abagusii/Kisii is a community of Bantu speakers that inhabit in Kisii and Nyamira counties of Nyanza province, western part of Kenya

 My first ever study abroad adventure started in Minnesota. I was invited by my sister who was invited by our Aunt who was invited by her husband who was invited by his Uncle who was invited by his brother who was invited by father who was invited by the then chief of Nyamira who won a green card. It's a chain- nobody invites themselves. 

It was the worst  time of the year, Winter! The weather was about −57 °F (−49 °C) - the coldest temperature my hair had ever experienced. My eyes were freezing, my feet were numb and my hands could not touch  a thing. The cold had already messed up my brains and I could not think properly. Were it not for a good Samaritan who saw how confused I looked and offered to help, I would have  missed my connection flight from Chicago to Minneapolis-St Paul.


On arrival, I was welcomed by about 6 inches of snow and smiles from almost everyone at the airport. My reflex action was to check if my fly was open. "Welcome to Minnesota," said my host. "we all wear that fake smile called 'Minnesota nice' It won't be long before you start wearing it too"

#CHURCH
 My first church experience was at Kenya Community SDA Church in Minneapolis (bare in mind am not from an SDA background). Sabbath begins on Friday evening, ladies are not allowed to wear trousers to church, pork is a forbidden food and church lasted for hours. I could not believe that such practices happen in America -I was amazed! this was like a little kisii town.
Whenever there was  elderly visitors from Kisii, the preacher would speak Kisii throughout the service and the choir would sing Swahili songs. 


#FOOD
Believe it or not, all types of food grown in Kisii land are also found in Minnesota. Residence of Minnesota can access foods like ugali, sweet bananas, matoke, managu, risosa, kunde, mapera anything you want, name it it will be shipped- thanks to the Somali businessmen who own shipping companies. Not forgetting Nyamachoma (roast meat)  and Omena. The Somalis don't play I heard they once shipped a live goat.
There is no room for home sick at least not when it comes to food. 

#ENTERTAINMENT
There is an Ethiopian restaurant called the  Blue Nile that turns into a night club during ungodly hours. They play all types of African music from the west, East, South and Central Africa that can take your mind on a road trip back to your village backyard. The Kisiis however, thought that their needs were not adequately catered for, and so they introduced 'Essaga saga nite' - the Kisii version of Ramogi nite.

#BABY SITTING 
Kisii baby sitters are just a phone call away. From the moment a typical kisii mother conceives, they decide to shop around for grandmothers who are visiting their relatives indefinitely. They begin to book their services in advance even before giving birth. It's Crazy- a pregnant Kisii in town means someone's grandmother will have to extend their visiting visa, if they choose to take the call.

 .....To be continued 

WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR ZUMBA INSTRUCTOR

A Letter to my zumba clients at Veva Fitness Centre.

You are the reason I stay up all night to memorize dance moves and search for new exciting music from South America, the reason I have unlimited internet and the reason my muscles ache every Monday morning. You all inspire me in different ways- from your different background, race, culture and religion. 

Don't get upset when I tell you it  takes around 4 weeks for your body to start experiencing amazing transformation. Veva is not a Maximum Miracle Centre. If it took you 2 years to accumulate all that weight don't assume it will take you less than 1 week to shed it off! 

So..While you patiently wait for your weight to start decreasing, here are some things you need to know about your zumba instructor.

• Zumba instructors get tired too. Many of us have errands during the day and  work full-time before stepping into the gym. Please don't make me shout for you to move.

•  Zumba instructors usually have at least one regular that they rely on for small things – putting out a fan when it is hot, making a head count for the office (not easy when the heads are moving and bobbing!), and for keeping the energy up with calls, hoots etc. I try not to take it personally that even subs immediately look to me to be the resident loudmouth! 

• Zumba instructors have to work harder than the rest of the class. Multitasking is a MUST!  I have to remember the choreography, do the moves with more energy and definition while at the same time signal next moves. 

•  Zumba instructors have their favorite styles of dance and songs. While we try to make sure we have a variety of dance  for fitness reasons, it isn't your imagination that I sometimes tend to have more Reggeaton and Lingala but less of salsa. 

• Zumba instructors worry about the same embarrassing things you do – for instant, if the sweat has made me look like I've  pee’d my pants, or for the ladies, make-up dripping down in form of sweat and wiping mascara off their face.

• Zumba instructors tend to work in more than one place. Besides Veva Centre, I have about 3 other places I train- Norfolk, Laborex, PFaiser, random events such as weddings, bridal shower, birthdays etc. This explains why I sometimes  look like I've been hit by a bus within the first 10 minutes of a workout.

• Zumba instructors have different ways that they use to try and make things fun. Some rely on a few songs with calls, some set up competitions between one side of the gym and another, some call up regulars to come up front. Me on the other side tend to use funny words like 'kata hiyo tumbo'( cut that stomach) ,  'shake your organs' or 'stretch your appendix'   all these in the hopes of making it a fun experience for you. Please don't correct my medical terms am not here to learn Biology. 

• Zumba instructors can get hurt. With so many teaching everyday, and sometimes more than once a day, we are prone to the same overuse injuries you complain about. So please stop coming up with excuses as to why you can't jump high enough or  throw your hands up in the air like you just don't care. 

•  Zumba instructors come from different backgrounds. Some are former aerobics trainer, others are from hip hop dance culture. There is a big difference between those with a cardio background versus dance background. The dance instructors’ moves tend to be less repetitive and sometimes lack as much definition. The cardio instructors’ moves can tend to be choppier on things like shimmys. Please don't  tell me that you saw  Tina Beardsley do a Bollywood/Shakira  belly dance on You Tube and expect me to do that. I come from a church girl dance kinda background. (There is no right or wrong here.)  

• Zumba instructors try to match their intensity level to the general fitness level of different clients. I always have modifications for those who need it and to ramp it up for those who want an even more intense workout. So if I decide to give you more intensity and leave out someone else, it does not mean I hate you and think you are fat. It is probably because the other person has asthma, back problem or low intensity tolerance than you. DON'T get offended.

THE PRODIGAL DAUGHTER

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more of prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed 

It's time to kiss the past goodbye

"I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me NO
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be"

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She left all she had believed in
She walked away!

Not a day goes by
For the ones she's left behind
They're always asking, "Why?"
And thoughts of her consume their minds

God please let her know
The love we tried to show
Would promise anything
If you'd just bring her home

Tell her we love her
And tell her she's wanted
And one more thing God
Tell her please, come home
Please, come home

To all the hurting parents out there please pray for your prodigal daughters 

Ask God to give you the Hope, Help and Encouragement you need while waiting for her...

It's never too late to Restore Everything Damaged (R.E.D)

************************************

While the son was still a long way off
His father saw him, and felt compassion for him
And ran and embraced him and kissed him
"Let us celebrate for this child of mine was dead
And he has come back to life
He was lost and now he is found"
And they began to celebrate
Luke 15:20 and 24

Hilarious! On phone with Police customer service

****Just for laughs

The Kenya Police have found a new and faster way of tackling crime. They are just a phone call after introducing the new customer service/ call centre.

Last night I called Kiambu police station to report a robbery.… next thing I heard was, "Welcome toKiambu CountyPolice Emergency Center.. for English press. 1, for Swahili press 2, for Kikuyu  press 3
Then I pressed 1… another voice came up….For car accident press 1, for armed robbery press 2, for ADF please hang up….Then I pressed 2, another voice came up….If they’re with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK 47 press 3, machine guns press 4, timed bomb press 5, all of the above press 6…
Then i checked and saw they were with all of them then I pressed 6… another voice came up saying…. why are you still on the phone? be wise and run for your life.
shocked at the response, I quickly hanged up and took a boda boda LOL

KIDS AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX.

Underage Drinking In Kenya

On Friday Night I attended a party along Kiambu Road,at Ridgeways to be exact. I had been tormented via inbox by some girl who wanted me to attend her birthday party. I was going to flatly ignore it but she wouldn't relent...I didn't  see why I should attend a stranger's party. Makes NO sense.

But being the little sweet terrorist she is,she managed to coerce me into falling for it. And,Boy,was it a party. For starters,the birthday girl was turning 16. And she is a Form 2 student at some funky,prestigious school in Nairobi...You know...those elite institutions...

The Bash was going down at THEIR home at Ridgeways...A really cosy,urbane,luscious and scintillating home...with chandelier lights dangling on the roof,sparkly walls,an top-notch home theater system and a warm,furry Persian carpet sweeping through the noblesse room...

I got there and sat at a corner,drink in hand...It must have been white wine,or whatever...the noise was ear-blasting,the food was and the general ambiance and mood was aristocratic...

It was a place filled with teenagers. And just a few older people. Like Me. I sat there,speechless,watching the madness unfold. One by one,the teenagers arrived...dressed for the red carpet and smelling like a bag of money...

I could see diamond-esque earrings dotting the ears of the girls,I could see the blinding chains they wore,the charade of bangles and the gorgeous,6 inch heels...they also wore skimpy tops which amply dishing out their tiny cleavages to the world...the skirts and pants were extremely short and tight too..It was a riot for sexual appeal...

Their tiny nails were assaulted with the darkest of red nail polish,their faces were a blanket of tasteful make-up and their Cleopatra lips were gorgeously adorned in a fatal touch of heavenly lipstick...

Man,and these were 16, 15,or 17...these were teenagers...some as young as 14.I watched them at a distance and totally lost it..Beer started flowing in...And the young teenage boys made a beeline for it..every young boy had a girl in his hand...It was like some hard rock Goth Party...somewhere in Malibu,California...

It was like a conglomeration of the children of Rock Stars,Movie luminaries and Drug barons...

Pardon Me. But I didn't quite understand it..

The Music was PURE ROCK. And they even had hired a professional DJ to sweep the night away.

These kids were dancing and smoking and TWERKING and gyrating and cavorting and swirling and twirling like a bunch of crazed sexual gymnasts.

And a group of 6 girls were at a corner...smoking Shisha or whatever..and looking high as 62 planes...

I asked one of them how old she was. She said 15. I asked her where her parents were,she said "Home.." I asked her,"Do they know EXACTLY where You are!?" She said, "No..." And laughed. "I lied..." she added...

But before I could ask another question,her drunk boyfriend of two hours stumbled over to where we were and whisked her away...giving me a mean,raw look...

It baffled me how a group of around 50 teenagers could be holed up in their pal's house and turn it into a Sin Den,complete with Shisha-smoking,hard music,cigarettes and alcohol and sexual escapades...Under the blanket of the darkness,Under the guise of a birthday party...

Honestly,I would hate my DAUGHTER to have been there.

And I am MORE PROUD f my Dad now. My really strict Dad who made sure we went through the toughest MOST boring life ever!

We never hang out,had friends over,went for sleepovers or parties or nothing. It was a cold,boring childhood.

I hated Him then...But I understand Now...

But we didn't miss a thing. I didn't miss a thing. Or break a bone. I am still fine,still good,going strong and still here.


To My future Kids,

I don't care whether You will hate me or Love Me,BUT ONE THING is for sure;
I wont let You go anywhere anytime.

I MUST KNOW where You are at any given time.

I WONT take cheap lies from You.

I wont be blackmailed or sweet-talked into letting You engage in mischief.

I will PUNISH You thoroughly whenever You are wrong.

I WILL demand an Explanation FOR Anything and Everything You Do.

And I WILL stock every step of Your Childhood.

Hate me or Love Me.

It will be a Home of Rules.

Tough Rules,Baby.

You may HATE Me then,But am sure that,Just Like Myself,You will Understand later....

HOW TO DESTROY A RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE IN 4 SIMPLE STEPS

1. Form a bond of close friendship with some else other than your spouse – if you want to destroy your relationship or marriage, make sure you enjoy common interests and form an emotional bond with someone else. It may be a neighbor you use the bus together to work or drive together, a colleague you work with closely, somebody you go to college together. Just find someone else and make sure there is something you enjoy doing together.  When you find this person, make sure you open up and talk deep stuff, emotional stuff about yourself and your marriage. This is called emotional adultery, go ahead, be stupid enough to do this and just destroy your relationship by getting somebody like this.

2. Choose to keep your friendships secret – you want to hurt your marriage and destroy it? One of the best ways is begin keeping secrets especially friendships from your spouse or fiancé. Delete your text messages, go for outings with these friends and keep them secret from your spouse and keep hoping your spouse will never find out.

3. Use every chance you can to flirt – flirt with everyone you can, every chance you have. Use text, email, phone calls and even face to face meetings to flirt like crazy.  Flirting is dangerous for your relationships but people do it all the time and soon a game of flirting develops into something more and before we know it, tears are flowing freely. Flirt at your own risk, if you want to kill you marriage, then go ahead and be a flirt every chance you get I just hope you will not be full of regrets later.

4. Lastly, make excuses and rationalize your actions - Make all sorts of excuses. Tell yourself, if my spouse was meeting my needs, I wouldn't have to be looking elsewhere. If my husband was caring and sensitive, then I wouldn't have to be looking for somebody to listen to me.  Rationalize and lie to yourself, give excuses, I am not unfaithful; I am just having fun and being happy. It is just a chat nothing more, I have everything under control. James rationalized and excused his actions; he was right in his eyes by accusing Lucy of being unfaithful and refused to listen to her. Lucy rationalized and excused her actions, William was just a friend and she chose not to remember the hand holding and kisses.

 Go ahead; ruin your life, your marriage and your relationships by rationalizing and accusing your actions. Judge your spouse by their actions but judge yourself by your intentions.

Many couples end up doing these four things and ruining their marriages and then wonder what happened, courting couples wonder why they broke up yet they did one of the four things above or even much more and refuse to realize it is what you do not what you wanted to do that determines how your relationship goes. Choose today to build your marriage and not to tear it down, choose to build your spouse not to hurt them, choose your relationship above all others.

I would love to hear from you, what other things would you add to my list of relationship spoilers? What things do people do that end up destroying their relationships?